Divorcing a Narcissist: Inside the Mind of a Narcissist

Sometimes I feel like the soundtrack from the Twilight Zone should burst through my computer speakers every time I receive an email from my X.  Sometimes I wonder what it looks like inside his mind.  Truthfully, it scares me to contemplate that one in too much detail!
Each email makes me physically and literally tilt my head sideways as if that will help me to understand how his mind works.  Maybe I need to hang upside down and read it?  I am willing to try anything at this point.

As you may remember, he agreed to change the visitation time slightly to accommodate a birthday party that the girls wanted to attend.  Because he needs to maintain control, he would never agree to a change unless it benefited him directly so I had to wonder what his motivation was.  It could have to do with his mother being here for the summer and acting as a voice of reason.  Nevertheless, he agreed to change and I was both surprised and thankful.

I knew that something would be right around the corner because the change seemed too easy.  Sure enough, I received this email shortly after:

Tina- I accommodated your request to change the visitation time this Saturday to 2:30 PM to 8:30 PM.  I do look forward to seeing the girls on the 21st at 2:30 PM and the 22nd at 11 AM.

You will recollect that following the custody evaluation by (Mrs. Evaluator) that the recommendation is that the girls spend three weekends with overnights with me as well.  The other agreement was that i could take the girls on a five day vacation.  I kindly asked you to grant a vacation to San Diego with my Mom and the girls

I do not want to have to go request a hearing with court to spend Wednesday the 1st of August through Sunday the 5th of August with the girls to bring them to San Diego Wild Animal Park and Lego Land.  Would you please say this would be fine?  Best regards, The X

Let’s Step Back into Reality for a Moment:

1. The evaluation and court order that he refers to was from June of 2010.  A LOT has changed since that time.  Mainly, the court has seen through him and he was caught lying about the girls whereabouts multiple times.  The lies about where the children were being kept resulted in a new court order that took away his overnight visits.

2. As a Narcissist, he truly believes that he can choose whichever court order seems to fit his needs at the time.  It doesn’t matter than the order is over two years old or that there have been 5-10 new orders that supersede the one that he is referencing.

3. Let me get this straight: you want me to forget that I have spent three + years of my life in battle to protect my daughters?  You want me to forget the countless nights that I have worried about where my daughters were staying and whether or not they were going to be coming home to me after a visit?  You want me to just “forget” the court order that I fought so hard to obtain that ensures my daughters sleep safety in their own beds each and every night.

The long and short answer: “No….”

My response to him:
X- As you know, there is a court order in place that supersedes the order that you are talking about from all the way back in 2010.  You are asking me to violate a court order and the answer is no.  I do not feel comfortable with you taking the girls out of the county for overnight visits.  I plan to adhere to the court order as it is written.   Tina

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  1. Terry

    I’m also divorcing a Narcissist. It is unbelievable how they manipulate facts to benefit their desires.

  2. Tina

    It is SO bizarre. It is a true mental illness. Anyone who denies that hasn’t experienced a Narcissist.

  3. D.

    It is so weird how they twist things around to fit what they want. I keep reminding myself that narcissists don’t follow the same rules that we do. I had to laugh when I read your post about him quoting a court order from two years ago with many other orders since then!!!! Too funny!!!!! I guess all narcissists are cut from the same exact cloth and bend things to fit whatever they want when they want it. Boggles the mind doesn’t it?

    I will be facing mine next week in court to get a permanent protection order for the kids and I as our current protection order is about to expire. I pray the judge sees through his lies. Give them enough rope and they usually do a great job of hanging themselves.

  4. mom2mom

    Wow! That email resonates on me so well. There must be a template that they use for when they have to write a letter/email asking you for a favor. I love your response! I need to practise responding this way.

  5. Tina

    You need to be firm, direct, completely unemotional and do not engage at all. Pretend that you are writing to a mentally ill child– that is essentially what they are.

  6. mom2mom

    I am trying, Tina, really hard. It’s not easy undoing years of bad habit. This comes at a perfect time. I have been trying to put off responding to his emails for a couple of weeks now. The last 3 days, I have spent educating myself instead of writing the emails that I know I need to do. I realize that this is a symptom of PTSD/PTSI.

  7. Tina

    Take the control back. You CAN do it. It is the most healing thing that you can do. ((HUGS))

  8. M.

    Hey there,
    I love the photo, so apropo, although on any given day, I would much rather be hanging from a mountain, upside down from a string, reading a good book than deal with the Narcissistic X, and the chaos he brings- and I am slightly acrophobic. I am so glad I found your website, Tina. Even during our tough and tumultuous times, being able to come here and relate to others who can express and know the truth, and the nature of the beast we are dealing with, is such a blessing, a life-line. Thank you.

  9. Melissa

    I just need to ask – what if he does go to court and given the issues you’ve had with the commissoners recently, they give him the overnights? Is that even a possibility? I will pray as hard as I possibly can that it doesn’t come to that because it would do so much harm to your beautiful girls.

  10. kristina nolan

    Divorcing my narcissist is like living a true life horror movie! I dont know how they do it!! The lies just keep spouting out and the denial is terrifying! I am representing myself in court as I am out of funds, raising four children across the country from all my friends and family. Its lonely and so scary. Dont know how he pulled it off…..we had a Gal assigned to the children..she talked to them for about 10 minutes each and me for about 20 minutes. Went to court and said I was a brilliant lady and an excellent mother. That all of my children want to stay with me and do not feel “safe” with their father. Then his attorney interrupts and announces to the judge that my husband forgot to pay the GAL and he hands her a check right there in court(while my husband sits there in his “mining ” uniform!) The judge denies my move out of state and orders a psych eval on both of us! Never once did the GAL produce letters written by my children (not at all coached!!!), police reports of violence and suicide attempts, house is in foreclosure and the kids and I have no air!Oh, when his porn addiction was mentioned the GAL says “well, I didnt find any porn in his movie collection while I was there!!! Wow really!!! Needless to say I fired my attorney. Well, our psych eval was to be performed by a “licensed psychiatrist” of our choice my husband to pay. So after two weeks of looking and getting refferrals I make an appt, email his attorney to get payment and she informs me that a psychologist can perform this…..there was a mistake in the paperwork , and that the psychiatrist I chose was too expensive and she would motion to deny me the right to see him and put a 600.00 cap !!! I also filed a motion today to keep the court order as is…I want a psych eval!!! My husband text me to say he had his done and all it was , was true and false questions …..wow again…..what the hell kind of psych eval is that????? I dont understand our court system one bit!!!! An abusive NARC gets his way all the time while the abused has to defend……my children are his victims now. damn him……I dint understand any of this!

  11. The system is broken.

    I am so sorry you are going through this.

    I can tell you that eventually people do start to see through the PD person’s lies & vague manipulatatory statements. (Is that a word? It should be. I vote we add it to the surviving PDed abuse lexicon.)

    If you are lucky the court & friends and family start seeing through him sooner rather than later. Those who never see through the lies are themselves living in an altered reality, and probably should not be making judgments on the bench affecting other people’s children.

    I have been blessed that all of the BPD insanity is focused on me. That may seem a strange statement, but so far both I and our daughter’s therapist do not believe she is in any danger. His hostility and derangement is all directed my way–and for the most part he does not allow it to overflow onto our daughter.

    As for the psych eval, True False is actually pretty common. It doesn’t really matter if the evaluator is good or not. So long as the *test* is a good tool, it will identify when the person taking the test is lying about themself or TO THEMSELF about their own thoughts and behaviors.

    If you have a judge who is big on the “father’s rights movements” you may simply be screwed no matter how you look at it. What I have found of the father’s rights movement is that the court basically looks at mom and says you are at fault because he refuses to get along. Which, when you think about it, sounds a little narcissitic as well.

    I cannot speak for your state, but in WI, they make a distinction between legal custody & physical placement. Legal custody is joint & you pretty much have to cross the egregious line into 30 years behind bars to have a judge not order joint legal custody.

    I chose to not even try to fight that route, figuring it would make me look like a crazy to the court.

    But because I was so willing to let him have parenting time within reason, the court was prepared to order 8 days a month to him, 12 during the summer. Somehow in his mind this is 50/50, & this is what he is preaching to the rest of our friends, but whatev.

    My closest mutual friends are getting all the gory details, including getting forwards of his crazy making emails–so he cannot come back at me and annouce I doctored it at a later date.

    I agree it is incredibly frustrating. He has put bruises on me almost nonstop during our 9 year marriage, has actually gone so far as to “accidentally” break bones, has made death threats against me. Acknowledges he made death threats against me–but I “misunderstood”.

    All of this combined, and my attorney–the best family attorney in the county–told me in WI I would just make myself look like the crazy one if I tried to fight legal custody.

    And I actually don’t want to cut him out of our daughter’s life completely. I just want to limit his access until he’s more stable–which in 2 or 3 years we all know he will be in a new crisis and it will be obvious he is even less stable.

    Meanwhile, this weekend he is taking our daughter out of state–using money he stole from me– LEGAL THEFT –that’s a whole different rant.

    Sorry, I’ve gotten off target again.

    I’m trying to say is you are not alone. I also am living cross country from all of my family–its really hard. Free long distance & broadband internet have been sanity savers.

    Eight months after he moved out, I am still trying to clean all of the shit he brought into our house, out of our house.

  12. Mandy

    Love this….need to remember this!!

  13. Small66

    Tina, if your ex were my ex, now he would respond, “ok, if you want to stick to the court order, I will too. You can drop the kids off at the scheduled time, not at 2:30”.

  14. Eva

    Good for you. The man is nuts!!

    When ever I see my X’s name in my inbox, I immediately tilt my head and prepare to NOT understand a thing. lol.

  15. Soon to be divorced from a Narc

    Wow, that one sure hit home. The bandying around of court orders, consent orders, and using his ‘twist’ on them to get what HE wants, I too reply via email as you do. I say the exact same things you do. I knew that my ex had these tendencies, but hearing someone else saying the same things makes it easier for me to deal with. Its not me, another thing that’s not me, that is what your blog posting is saying to me.
    And ‘how accommodating’ they’ve been for YOU, says so much more about them than us. I eventually had to point out to him, in an email, that the ‘sacrifices’ I had made for our children, as opposed to his, weren’t seen by sacrifices by myself! More likely that I saw it all as a parental responsibility I willingly take on and I felt sorry for him if he felt his parenting responsibilities were sacrifices. He’s never mentioned this part of his parenting (or mine for the fact) sacrifices since 🙂
    I plan on reading this whole blog thru. Thank you thank you thank you!

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