Divorcing a Narcissist: NPD is a Life without Love and Compassion

My Disclaimer: Religion = touchy subject.  It’s a subject that I try to steer clear of when writing my blog.  I have my personal beliefs but I have the utmost respect for the beliefs (or non-beliefs) of others.  I don’t think that my way is the only way– I believe that every religion is bonded by one underlying foundation or goal: love.  My goal is to not offend people who have different opinions when it comes to religion as I am nowhere near perfect nor do I want to be perfect (boring!).  I am a work in progress in many areas of my life.

With that said,  I was in church this morning and our pastor was discussing community and love.  He explained that maturity has nothing to do with age.  Maturity has to do with learning to accept responsibility for your actions.  He then went onto say that he has encountered some teenagers who were more mature than grown adults.  What a coincidence- me too!  🙂

With that last comment, my mind immediately went to Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I have heard so many people (including mental health professionals) equate Narcissists to mentally ill 6-year old children.  They are stuck and unable to mature.  For a moment, I felt very sorry for my X and all Narcissists.  I didn’t feel sorry for them in the normal sense of the word but in general, it is a pity that they aren’t able to experience the things that I value most in life.  I can’t imagine living life without really knowing how to love or be loved.  I can’t imagine lacking compassion for a person struggling because my first reaction is to reach out a helping hand.  I feel fulfilled when I have helped someone.

What is life without love, compassion and relationships with those in your neighborhood, community, family or workplace?  I guess that in many ways, I gained a new perspective today when it comes to Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  If I force myself to step back for a moment and contemplate the reality, I have held him in my mind as this evil monster (and I still do) but how is it different from a person with schizophrenia or another mental illness?  In some ways, it is worse because there is no treatment.  He will never accept that there is something wrong with him because he operates in his own delusional, sad, empty world.  I’ve been in “battle mode” for so long that I’ve never really thought about it from this angle.  It’s quite sad.

Does this new revelation change anything for me?  No.  I will still continue to fight with every ounce of my being in an effort to protect my daughters.    I think back to a card given to me by my church last year that said, “May you always have the courage to set boundaries and do whatever it takes to protect your daughters.”  I will always set boundaries and I will always fight to protect my daughters.

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  1. M.

    I believe that one of the biggest draws of your blog, religion or not, believer, non-believer, is the compassion that is often displayed here and the love and desire to protect that you have for your children. I believe neither one of those has much to do with the church you do or do not attend, there are other factors, but I agree that it is mostly a heart issue and many of us have that same heart(desire) to do what is right because we care about people, one another, the ones we love and yes, as you have kind of addressed here, the one’s that make it virtually impossible to do so toward them-if that makes sense. I remember, this happened some time ago, looking in the direction of my NX once and having the most profound compassion for him as if he were a lost child behind a thick impenetrable glass wall desperately needing to get out and then he spewed out a host of lies that I could not even fathom where they came from. It is sad. Thoughtful post. Thank you.

  2. Tina

    Thanks, M. I agree with you. There have been times in court where I look at him and feel nothing but sadness for him. Not because I am assuming my former place as his victim, quite the opposite. It’s a deep pity that he can’t be honest to save his life, that he is trapped in his own mental turmoil, anguish and despair. It must be a horrific existence.

    I know that the act he puts on during the day and I know the desperate, anxiety-filled nights where he is pacing the halls consumed by insomnia due to the financial situations that he’s created and because of turmoil in his brain. As someone who is compassionate, I feel sorry for him on some levels.

  3. JenelleMarie

    And the truth shall set you free 🙂

  4. You are right on the mark. It is our compassionate nature that makes us perfect targets for those with NPD. If we are to feel compassion for them after we know what they are, it should only be from a safe distance. I agree it is a curse to have such a disorder, but since they don’t even realize they’re sick, we, their victims, are the ones who suffer as a result of their mental illness. We have to accept there is nothing we can do to help them and quietly but swiftly, walk away.

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